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            *** MIDI MUSIC: NO MAN'S LAND FOR EXPERTS ***

                           by Dave McFadden
              Green Country Computer Association (GCCA)
                           Tulsa, Oklahoma
                        BBS 1-918-3456 (TBBS)

A friend of mine called me last month and asked me, "Say Dave, you're
so damn smart.  What's all this I hear about the MIDI music standard
for computers?"

I Answered, "MIDI? Isn't that a dress that is too long to see the
girl's legs?"

"No, no! It's a new standard for interfacing computers and electronic
synthesizers.  Don't tell me that you have never even heard of it?"

Of course I didn't tell him.  I lied and said that I knew all about it
and I was writing a very enlightening essay on the subject and if he
would wait a day or two he could read the rough draft.  Then I ran down
to the local music store and asked the hep-cat behind the counter what
this MIDI deal was all about.  He took off his sunglasses and said,
"Don't ask me, dude.  I'm a guitar player.  I don't know anything about
it.  Try a computer store."

I thought to myself, "Ah ha!  I should have known.  It's a computer
deal," and I drove downtown to my favorite byte shop, "Computers R Us."
I asked the kid behind the counter about MIDI.  He said, "Yeah, I have
heard of it.  The new Ataris have MIDI disk drives or something.  It
has something to do with music."  I left the shop empty-handed, but
relieved to know that since no one else knew what the heck a MIDI was,
my reputation as a know-it-all would survive intact.  Finally, as a
last resort, I bought every computer and music magazine I could find.

Eight days later, after I had become an expert on Madonna's clothes,
the file structure of Lotus 1-2-3 and several other subjects that were
equally distasteful, I finally found a small classified ad in 'Hi-tech
Noise' magazine for a music shop in New York City that claimed to have
every MIDI capapable synthesizer that has ever been built, and I asked
them to send me one of each, Federal Express.  At last I could relax,
knowing that shortly I would learn just exactly what MIDI was.  While I
was sitting in the study, pondering the advertisement from "Hi-tech
Noise" and trying to learn all the proper buzz words, my friend called.

"Hey, bozo.  Where is that article about MIDI you promised me last
week?"

"Well, gosh, there were some problems with the implementation of the
'system exclusive' messages on some models, and I am waiting for a
manufacturer's representative to call me back with the real low-down on
it. Wouldn't want to write a bunch of bad stuff about something as
great as MIDI, now would I?"  He said no, and hung up after I promised
him "next week for sure."

The next day a small box arrived from Fed-Ex.  It was about the size of
a ten-pack of disks.  "Wow!" I gasped to the Fed-Ex driver, "this MIDI
gear is REALLY microminiaturized."  I ripped the box open and found a
small box that seemed to be a one-in to five-out type of splitter and a
note stating that this MIDI 'through box' was the only equipment
available, as everything else had been returned to the manufacturer due
to problems in the software.  "Ah ha!" I thought again, "it IS a
computer deal!" and I called a friend in California who knows people in
the music business.

"Jack," I asked, "tell me all about MIDI."

"Oh sure, what do you want to know?"

"Just what is it, and what does it do?  Is it computers, or is it
music?"

"MIDI is a standard that lets computers and synthesizers talk to each
other via cables so that a synthesizer can be recorded in your computer
and then the computer can play back what you just recorded through the
sythesizer."

"So it's a computer deal!" I yelled, excited that I had finally nailed
down the MIDI standard.

"No, not exactly.  It was invented by music manufacturers for use with
synthesizers."

"Then it's a music deal, right?"

"No it's not exactly that either.  Each synthesizer has a
microprocessor inside to process the data and decide which note to play
and for how long."

"Well, let me put it this way: where do I go to get one and then get it
working and serviced.  That kind of stuff?"

"You can't get it anywhere.  Most of it has either been recalled for
software mods or was never released."

"Good grief!  Then how do I get my computer to make music?"

My friend said, "Try whistling into the joystick port;" then he laughed
and hung up.

So there you have it.  Nodbody knows nothin' about it, you can't buy it
and it doesn't work.  Sounds like a computer deal to me.  Oh, yeah.  If
you see my friend, the guy who asked me about MIDI in the first place,
tell him I moved to Japan to do some in-depth electronic research.